It was so simple before
by Dunsley Ko
Summary: Harry thinks about what he thought he knew, but now he's starting to question it.
1. How it started

I do not own Hogwart or anything in it (but it would be fun to live there), Harry Potter (the character or the book) nor do I own anything related to them.  
  
I always wonder how to word a disclaimer.  
  
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It was so simple in the beginning... I would kill him, he would die and I would go on living. It wasn't supposed to be a great thing. I knew I would have to face him eventually. It was unavoidable. With Dumbledore constant advice and words of encouragement that I was the "saviour" of the wizarding world I realized they didn't expect me to be anything more than that... a saviour... a martyr. Why me though? I was simply a child pushed into the world of government and power. He wanted power... he wanted to rule... they didn't want him to... they wanted to keep the power to themselves... they expected me to keep they're power in check. It was so simple before.  
  
They never asked me what I thought or who I supported. They assumed everything and didn't give me the chance to tell them the truth. Not given the chance I began to forget my own oppinions and thoughts on the matter. I was being blinded by the people I trusted. Dumbeldore never gives room for opptions and he saw to it that I never question what I was told. They taught me and encouraged me to hate Slytherines and everything related to them. I needed to see the world for what it truly was before I let them blind me completly. Draco wanted to be my friend in the beginning but why? I call him Draco now because that is who he is. No more of this "Potter" "Malfoy" buisness. I want to see what he stands for. Not what I have been lead to belive he stands for.   
  
It was Draco who I met before any of my other fellow students. He acted like a snob, but he was still the first person of my age who wasn't afraid of being beaten up by Dudley and his gang for simply talking to me. He has never treated me different from any other people untill he found out I was who I was. Even then it was more to the fact that he thought I was a Gryphindore against The Dark Lord. I laugh at that now because at the time I thought that way too. I look back and wonder what in my life has been true. What has happened to me simply because I was the one to survive?  
  
Ron only stoped to talk to me because his brothers had told him I was "THE Harry Potter". He came in and talk all to findout if I was infact him and not some joke. Hermione only came for a toad and to watch Ron do magic, then stayed for introductions and to show off. Odds are she would have taken my name and gone off again in the same way only not likely with the same need to imppress... Then I come back to Draco. He treated me as nice I guess as he could. Then he offered his friendship... no that is to much for what he was offering. It was more like an alliance than anything. All the teachers expect me to be the top of my class, Snape resented my fame, and Dumbledore favoured me. I know all this but there is nothing I can do about it. That's just my life.  
  
What was there to stop me from going to Him and joining? Nothing really, they all simply brushed it off as the fact that I could never do anything like that. And in a way they're right. I could never join him. To have a tattoo burned into me. I like tattoos but the pain is supposed to go away after a time. I will not be anyone's lackey. I have been a pawn for far to long already. Maybe I want some space to myself. I would love to go and talk to Voldermort. Every time I hear someone say You-know-who I get mad. It's just as bad as The-boy-who-lived. He just wants to get away from his name... like me.   
  
They say we're alike in looks and wands but that we don't have the same drive or the same ambitions, that I could never be evil. They don't know anything about me. I am dark in thought but light in actions. My mind is constantly fighting not to hit my friends and walk away. They think they know me, who I am, what I stand for... but the thing is I don't know myself. I've been told what I think for my whole schooling life. It was so much simpler at the Dursley's. They hit me but I knew what I stood for. I was against them because they hurt me... but then they were family and I had to love them even if I didn't like them. Deep down they love me too; they're just blinded by hate like I have been... Maybe I should start from the beginning.  
  
I went to school and all I hear is that Voldermort is bad, evil and that he killed my parents. But how do they know it? I kept hearing my parents' final moments, or so I thought. I look at the emotions I felt. They were afraid of him, and he of them. That show not be what is felt when casting the killing curse. It should be hate. So that got me thinking maybe Voldermort didn't cast the curse.  
  
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Okay I know it was short but I just want to test the water a bit. I've got more if people actually think I could go somewhere with it. I'm a little stuck for ideas. The story will go up even if people complain that it's terrible. I write for me, but I need help some times.  
  
So let me know what you think.  
  
Dunsley Ko 


	2. Thoughts in the night

This chapter is for MaNa SaMaH my first reviewer ever and so far the only on on this story: I really needed the review to even get me started on this, I thank you, hopefully you like it and you haven't been waiting around for nothing.  
  
For disclaimer see first chap.  
  
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'I've been so misinformed for so long now that I don't know what is true. I remember when the dementors came to Hogwarts that I heard my mother and father. The thing is when it came to the third voice I don't know who it was. Was it Voldermort? or was it someone else. How can I be sure?  
  
His voice was different when I dueled him. It was rasppy like it was when he was on the back of Quierelle's head. How can I know that the voice in the visions is his. I look at the history and see Serius. He was accused of murder. He didn't do it, but when he got the chance to take vengance and to kill the man he was accused of killing he took it.  
  
The memory, was it of my parents final moments? How can I know? I'm so confused by everything. People say he wouold kill me if he could, but why? He told my mother (if it was him) to stand aside. She refused, but why me? what makes me the targeet of everything? why does this all happen? I'm not going into a "Feal sorry for me" time. I just want to know how it all ties in together.  
  
I look at my friends and try to think of what I know truly about them. Ron likes the Chudley Canons and Hermione likes books. What else is new. I knew that by the middle of my first year. Do I even know "where their loyalties lie" to quoet Professor Snape. Do I know their favourit colours? Do I know truly anything? How have I not seen this before was I to wraped up in myself? Maybe Snapes right I do have a bloated igo. Maybe I do steal the spot light from Ron, maybe, maybe, maybe, all I have are maybes. I need answers.  
  
I've been sheltered my whole life from knowledge and truth. Not being allowed to ask questions as a child has made it hard for me to find anything straight out. I always had to sneak around for answers, look to books, never just ask. Well now is the time for tuff questions. Who really is my enemie? my friend? Who have I been misinformed about? Who has been misinformed about me?'  
  
These thoughts swirlled around in Harry's head as he lay on the ground. His Uncle Vernon had given him a hard beating this time and his mind was slowly bringing it'self back to his body. He had been practising for a long time now how to remove his mind from the beatings and think of more important things then the pain. Over the past few weeks the beatings had been getting worse and harry's mussings were delving deeper and deeper.  
  
With the probing questions and his own doughts, Harry was having a hard time. He kept remembering the sounds of his parents and Voldermort. Something was not fitting together, he had at first thought that the voice had been angry with his parents, then frightened, now it sounded almost pleading. Harry couldn't remember clearly anymore. Lack of food and rest was starting to wear on him. He decided after many questions on the nature of the voice that he would just have to hear it again before he couold make any decisions.  
  
Harry had also learned over the summer not to jump to conclusions because they just end up making you disapointed, or in way over your head. He had develloped a tallent that he had somehow always overlooked. He could read body language and determin what someone was going to do. This had always come in handy when Dudley and his friends had been over, but he had mearly associated those times with his body being in a heightened state of awarness.  
  
Lieing on his back Harry leveled off his breathing and began his first of many attempts to sit up. His back was an array of cuts and brueses, gashes were open on his back of old and new. He had come to where them as a reminder to be quiet and do as you are told. Harry knew that he was becoming obsesed with perfection but it was the only thing that he could do to keep himself sane and safe from his familly. If he did everything right they couldn't be mad at him, and if they weren't mad they wouldn't come looking for him to punish him. His first lesson this summer had been to not draw attention to yourself.  
  
So Harry didn't plan on drawing anymore attention to himself, he would disapear from there sight for a while or maybe he would never have to see them again, yes his mind had been wandering to thoughts of running away but then he would think of Dumbledore's eyes asking him but really ordering him to stay at his aunt's and uncle's house. How was he going to get through it? He didn't know, all he had was the desire for knowledge, and truth to keep his mind off the pain.  
  
Finally off the ground and up into his bed Harry fell into a deep sleep where no dreams came and he was able to rest properly for the first time in weeks.  
  
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Thank you for waiting so long for this, I had a lot of bad stuff going on in my life and I really just didn't want to write anything for fear of changing my story lines and making them darker then I wanted. 


	3. a quick chapter with some questions for ...

See chap. 1 for disclaimer  
  
The fic. is getting darker as we take a look at Harry's home life and how it affects him  
  
The next few weeks went on pretty much the same for Harry. He would spend the day doing chores and avoiding his cousin's gang then at night he would try and stay out of sight till the family was in bed. Unfortunately it didn't really ever work out that well. Harry was continuously being mentally and verbally abused by the his aunt and cousin all day, Dudley and who ever were around that day would follow him taunting him about what ever they could think of, usually not much but they stuck with what they knew they could get a rise out of him. His aunt worked him harder then before and if he didn't get everything done he suffered in the form of lack of food and pain when Vernon got home. His aunt and cousin weren't what he worried about. He could handle the names even if they hurt. It was the sound of the car door slamming that made his hairs stand on end.  
  
Harry had taken to bolting for his room if the chores were done so that he would not be in the line of vision when Vernon walked in through the door. When his chores were not done, and that was happening more and more often, he would try and blend in with the wall till his uncle had lumbered into the sitting room. He would then finish what ever he could without noise and sneak upstairs.  
  
His only hope of a peaceful night was if he was forgotten, if he just wasn't there and if he was just another shadow on the wall. Most nights his cousin would be too busy stuffing himself to even think to say anything. But on the rare occasions when he would stop to take a breath he may "accidentally" let something slip that had happened that day. On those nights the house was a bomb just waiting to go off.   
  
Vernon would stomp up the stairs and Harry would have to sit there and wait knowing full well what was coming and not be able to do a single thing about it. His uncle would slam open the door and walk in, drill Harry on a few pointless questions then proceed to "teach him a lesson" whether it be that he didn't paint the fence quick enough or vacuumed to quickly leaving marks on the floor, Harry always got the same lecture in the end. That lecture was then always followed by the punctuation with fists, kicks and lashings of a belt. Harry continued to slip into his mind to avoid the pain, all the while not getting any closer to answers then he had been at the beginning of the night.  
  
He often thought of getting away, but those thoughts quickly ended. His thoughts would stray to all sorts of possibilities but they would soon dry up with nowhere concrete for them to go. Thoughts of running of the property were all together smashed when he thought of the wards that were the only thing between him and a quick death if what he had been told was true. But then those thoughts always got him thinking of,  
  
"What do I really know", and so his thoughts would start over again till they came across more and more elaborate ways for him to escape and somehow find a normal life. All he wanted was to be normal but at the same time he thought of all the things that he would never have known had he not been famous. His thoughts kept running around in circles so much that he was afraid that he would soon forget what was really going on. He had been completely cut off from the wizarding world for so long that he got the feeling that even if Dumbeldore had turn to the evil side he would not have known. This begged the question that had really been nagging at him for some time. Why had no one contacted him? What was going on out there, where people being attacked in the streets? Were the ministers finally accepting that Voldermort had returned? The questions also brought him to his latest problem. If he was supposedly going to fight Voldermort how was he going to do it with out any knowledge of who he was what his motivation is or even if he cares anymore? Wasn't the first rule of battle to know your enemy? Was Voldermort the enemy... Harry's musings were generally cut off at that point by a reopening of old wounds and the pain pushing him into unconsciousness, it seemed to be the only way for him to get any rest.  
  
Ok here's the thing. I wanted to get you another chapter out really soon. I was unable to verify all my stuff with the rest of my story so I want you to tell me if stuff doesn't add up. I'll be doing it myself as well so don't think I'm just passing it on to you. You know how when you read your own stuff you miss things.  
  
What do you guys want next chapter?  
  
a- Harry starts fighting back after resolving that his problems are not going away if he just sits back. I warn you it will not be "oh I've got all this courage suddenly" it's going to get worse if he's going to make it better  
  
b- It gets worse, Harry fights back and losses and goes back to school shattered.  
  
c- He doesn't fight back and we skip to when he goes to school and is afraid of human contact  
  
d- Should he get a letter from someone? If so should it bee good news or bad?  
  
Then again if I think of something really awesome I'll put that in.  
  
Dunsley ko 


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